"In my daughter´s school, many of the girls her age have started to choose very subtle but unkind behaviors such as leaving each other out of conversations or games, whispering secrets to each other in a way that makes other girls feel as if they are talking about them, and talking behind each others backs – they can be the best of friends one day and then bring each other to tears the following day. Why is this happening and what can I do before my daughter is devastated?"

Dr. Swanson Says…
What you´ve observed is called "relational aggression" and, unfortunately, it´s even been found among preschool-age girls! Although we´ve made great strides in helping girls to celebrate their skills and talents, girls are still largely socialized to focus their efforts on building their social relationships and subsequently, to shape their self-esteem based upon feedback from their social relationships. Some girls use the behaviors you described as a type of social currency that helps them to feel close to other girls by excluding others. When these relationships result in rejection or isolation, it is no wonder why a girl is devastated. Having to guess where one "stands" with her friends from day to day would threaten any girl´s sense of stability and security.

Ways To Address:
Girls need to internalize several facts of life that often do not get communicated clearly to them:

• People change and so will their friendships. Encourage your daughter to spend time with different friends from different parts of her life (ex: school, camp, neighborhood, etc.) so that she has many positive relationships that help balance out those that no longer "fit" as she grows.
• You can be "kind" and still assert yourself in a way that allows you to maintain dignity and self-respect. Role play with your daughter ways that she can tell someone that they´re hurting her (with clear words and without an apology) and then ask them to stop.
• Gossiping and excluding people are bullying behaviors. Talk with other mothers and your daughter´s school about possible programs that help support a peaceful climate where girls can connect positively and help each other interact more effectively.
• If you don´t insist on being treated consistently with kindness, respect, and fairness, people will assume that you don´t think you deserve it and they will continue. Help your daughter to identify friends that are consistently kind and respectful and to plan how she can spend more time with those friends.

Juliette Says…
This is really common among girls and not to be pessimistic or anything, but it usually gets worse as girls get older. If you feel like the behavior of other girls is really affecting your daughter then maybe you should call the other girl´s parents. You need to be careful when you do this because you don´t want to become the "annoying mom" or the "mom that gets the girls in trouble". When you call the other mother, just explain to her what you think is happening and don´t let your daughter or the daughter whose mother you are calling find out, because this could cause more problems between the girls. The other mother needs to know that you don´t want her to say any names. Another approach you could take would be to have your daughter start hanging out with a different group of girls. If the ones that she is hanging out with right now are doing these catty things, then arrange play dates with girls who don´t treat your daughter like this and who she would like to hang out with. You need to be there for your daughter, but also realize that she might need some space and may not always want to talk to you about what is going on. I´m sure that you want the best for your daughter and are only trying to help, but she might see this as extremely intrusive and not want to talk to you about anything. So be there for her, and sometimes, just let her come to you.